The Beginning

So there were many things that i did that made me happy this weekend, I forced myself to go out when i would have rather stayed home and had a great time.  I have realised something else this weekend as well, I spend a lot of time on my own...and i always tell myself it is because i like my independence but i think a part of me is afraid....afraid to get attached or to get rejected.  Afraid to make a connection or learn that I don't fit.  But what I really need to work on, what I need to do to be happy....is love myself as who i am....which i do for the most part...but confidence...within social situations....that is what i need.  I need confidence.  I am getting much better.  I mean, I am a million times more confident now than i was a year ago..but it is still a struggle for me, every day to remind myself to actually believe in myself.

Monday, I had a great conversation with two of my now favourite people, it was all about people who have problems and how you help them and how much you can help them if they won't help themselves.  I had someone who was very close to me...and his disease has changed him.  But at the same time, people fight the disease he has every day...but he chooses to fight it with alcohol and drugs. But that isn't what i wanted to talk to.
I wanted to talk more about recognizing who you are...positive and negative.  The whole picture.  I have always prided myself on knowing exactly who i am....but i don't think i do.  I don't accept my gifts...i always down play them or explain them away.  When at the same time, I magnify my negative qualities and i never believe in myself.
Why do I not believe in myself?  Why can I support my friends in anything they do and believe in them 100% but can never believe that I can achieve the same things.  Why do I feel that I am not worthy?

It is a question I have been asking myself for awhile now...and you know what...I need to change my beliefs.  I start school tomorrow.  I signed up because I want to better myself and get a better job.  But I am looking at this as the start.  The beginning!